1. Don’t watch TV at 12.30pm, 3.00pm, 7.30pm, or at any other time in-between because football highlights, post match commentary or some sort of late night football chat show will be on.
2. Don’t go in any pub that has a England flag – it will be full of people that should be at work and that have skived-off for an entire month with a sore throat, to become partial alcoholics in the name of football.
3. Don’t open any tabloid newspaper – particularly the Sun – at any point as it will mostly be about Big Brother. Oh yeah, and football. That goes for after the World Cup also.
4. Do watch Wimbledon. It offers much needed grace and strawberries during a time of belches, chants and farts.
5. Don’t buy anything that’s made by any World Cup sponsor – it will only brainwash you into thinking you like football, with a system of carefully formatted graphics and probably some sort of competition to win a football keychain.
6. Do disrupt the national power grid by turning on as many electric kettles as possible during a pivotal World Cup moment. Which team is playing at that time is entirely up to participants.
7. Do look seriously at the prospect of space travel tourism, as it may be the only place you can’t connect to the BBC iPlayer.
8. Don’t watch Sky Sports News for longer than 10 minutes – it’s a bit like living through a permanently looped, football related ‘Groundhog Day’ without Bill Murray (sadly).
9. Do wear sound isolating earplugs to protect from those annoying horns that sound like a swarm of bees has nested on your face (I know they’re cultural but they hurt).
10. Do hibernate. You can’t avoid it. It’s on for a month, featured on every available media format possible, including ‘the very air we breathe’. Find an old war bunker or pillbox that’s not too gross inside, put some newspaper down and make a home for yourself. And don’t forget your earplugs in case England score.
Hilarious related links…
Angry girlfriend smashes her boyfriend’s TV during the England game:
Anti-World Cup Facebook group:
